A bit of background

I have adenosarcoma of the common bile duct, me and about 4,000 other people in the US. When I had breast cancer, I was one of a crowd. Jerry and I went up to Dartmouth-Hitchcock in Lebanon, NH, yesterday for a CT scan and consultation with the surgeon, who recommended further tests. So far, I've had bloodwork, an ultrasound, another CT scan, two ERCPs, and an MRI. The next testing will be an endoscopic ultrasound. I'm probably the only person you know who has three gastric surgeons.
The problem with cancer in this particular place is that there are some major blood vessels crammed in with the common bile duct, so that surgery has to be delicately done. I found myself looking at the surgeon's hands, which are broad, with short fingers, and that chapped look from washing a lot. He said that a hospital that does nine Whipple procedures (yes, that's really the name; google it) is considered high-volume. He himself did eighteen last year, so if the surgery is an option I couldn't be in better hands, whatever they look like.
The question is whether the surgery will be an option, because of the possible involvement of the blood vessels, and that's what the further testing will tell. It may be possible to start with radiology and/or chemo to shrink the tumor before surgery. We're waiting for the next appointment.
So how are we doing?
My mind is all over the place. It’s hard to grasp the idea that at best, we’re in for several weeks (months?) of physical and mental pain and suffering followed by years of knowing that every step might be back into the quagmire. At worst, I could be dead in a few months. I’ve always been so afraid of being dead, not of dying so much as of just not being here. The world is never too much with me. I will never have enough of it.
I cling to Jerry as though without him I would be swept out to sea. I can't imagine going through this without him, without family and friends.