It's a lot easier for me to make jokes and think of my blessings than to sit down and try to come to terms with what this past week has meant for the future. I didn't want to try it while I was still physically in bad shape, but because today I can now get up off the couch without Jerry's help (getting off the couch requires a kind of swivveling motion that is hard on the abdomen), I think I'm up for it.
Part of the problem is that I've always assumed that I'd live a very long life. One grandmother lived to her late eighties, the other to her late nineties, and while my grandfather only lived to about eighty and the other disappeared young after a family scandal, I figured I took after the women. My mother lived to 88, and my father, breaking tradition, to 90. My lifestyle has been so much healthier than theirs that I just assumed that I would live well towards a hundred.
Looks like it won't happen, so part of what I'm trying to get used to is that sooner or later I'm going to see the end of the foreseeable future. I have to get used to a shortened time frame. This is very hard.
But meanwhile, I think, was there anything that I wanted or really expected to accomplish in the next few years, however long they might be? Are there any spiritual insights I'd be looking for? Any skills that I wish I had acquired that, perhaps, there's still time for? If I really had those twenty years more, would I do anything more than I've been doing up till now, that is, living my life with as much joy, warmth, and grace as I can manage from one day to the next? Probably not. I've always been a project person rather than a product person. I like making things and doing things much more than showing off the results. What I want to accomplish in however long I have is just to keep working on things, and if I die with a bunch of half-finished projects, that's probably the way I'd want to go.
One thing I'm sure of is that in whatever time there is, there is always time enough for wonderful surprises. I had a high school exchange student who explained to me very seriously that he could see no reason to live past 30, because of course there was no sex after 30, and so what was the point? I saw a teachable moment there, but let it pass.
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4 comments:
Sometimes when I think about my life and my general lack of goals and ambition, I want to scream at myself "What are you waiting for!?!". But most of the time I think about all the joyous moments and wonderful people in my life, and I feel happy and grateful to have had the chance to experience any of it. :S
It is best, I feel, to examine and confront what life has in store for you , and go for the gusto. It sounds like you've followed that your whole life. Well, keep on that good path.
And make each day the best that there has ever been.
Hi Lucie! You've been on my mind for a week now, and so finally checked in. My summer has been the usual crazy scene, and I've got a really great cat story for you. But first I want to praise your bravery and graceful spirit...you have so much love in your life that will hopefully make every day feel warm, peaceful and joyful. The photo of you swimming with Jerry filled my heart, and the overflow I send back to you with love.
Last month, our new kittens, who were supposed to be only 5 months old, started to mate! It began on the same day that my daughter was having a party with 30 teenagers in our home, agreed to with her Dad without my knowledge. At first I thought the kitties were playing around, but by the end of the day, there was no mistaking what they were about! So we had to rush the male to the vet for his surgery, then bring the female right after. So between the teenagers trashing my home and the cats going berserk, my hair is nearly all white now. :)
my heart is with you & your wonderful family, elisa
i can't even imagine what you must be going through mentally right now. we had a lesson in church on sunday about living in the moment and i think that is the most important lesson any of us can learn. living with no regrets. you seem to be a shining example of that.
i hope you are continuing to heal and get stronger. sure love you.
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