The anniversaries start

I really don't want to wallow around in this, and I'll try not to do it very often, but from now on it's going to be anniversary after anniversary.

Here's what I wrote in my journal last year on the 21st:
Along about the 12th I started getting stomach pain and nausea. [I thought it was a reaction to the arthritis meds I was taking.]... I started itching all over and got horribly constipated. I couldn't eat much; food seemed disgusting, almost causing a gag reflex.... After two full days on the latest med, I continue to itch, and I've been sleeping mornings and afternoons and most of the night. I feel constantly groggy.... I have to force myself to eat. My weight has gone from 126 on the 1st to 123 today, which is nothing if you're trying to lose weight, but my weight doesn't ever vary from week to week. I feel crappy, and part of me thinks, "Oh, well, all this fuss over a slight case of gastritis," and part of me is terrified of the elephant in the living room. [These are all classic signs of pancreatic cancer -- but also of liver disease, bile duct disease, pancreatitis, and various other things. It isn't surprising that they didn't catch it sooner.]

This was also the time that Jerry was recovering from the operation on the cyst on his wrist and we didn't know if it was successful and whether he'd ever be able to play again. The same week he had the cardiologist appointment that sent him up to DHMC-Lebanon to find out if the enlarged aortic root was dangerous or not (it turned out it wasn't, but he has his usual echocardiogram plus cardiologist appointments coming up later this month). All in all, it was a stressful time.

Here I am, a year later, definitely feeling better physically. I had chemo yesterday and even with that I'm in much better shape than I was. But this year isn't exactly the kind of thing one can look back on and think, "Well, thank heavens that's over, and if I'd known then what I know now I'd have been able to sail through it." If I'd known then what I know now, I'd have gone screaming into the night.

But all in all, strangely enough, this year could have been a lot worse. I'm not going all Pollyanna, but I have to say that the year has had wonderful parts to it, some on their own and some because it's true: you look at things differently when you know that you won't have unlimited opportunities ahead to see them. Today on my walk I crunched through the fallen leaves, appreciating the smell and texture of them; I do it every year, but who knows how many years of leaf-crunching I have left?