I know it's hard to know what to say when you see someone with cancer. But the people who said the following to me probably should have stuck with "It's nice to see you."
What I really thought is in italics.
1. "You look so good.... Especially considering what you're going through."
"Thank you." You know, you could have stopped after 'good.' Now I'm going to spend the rest of the day wondering what I actually look like. Besides, how often do you tell other chance acquaintances how good they look?
2. "Soooo. What's the prognosis?"
"Well, it ranges from grim to dire." What do you think it is? What should I have said -- 'The doctor told me to get out and really enjoy today while I last?
3. "Don't you feel that God is sending you a message through this?"
"No." Actually, God could have just sent me an email. I'd have paid attention.
4. "Yeah, things have been rough for me, too, but of course nothing compared to what you're going through. I don't want to bore you with my problems." Bore me! Not that I want you to have problems, but it's so great to think about something else for a while. You think I want to wallow in what I'm going through?
5. "I don't know how you do it. I could never go through that."
"Oh, I'm sure you could." I'm sure you could. There isn't, after all, much of an alternative. And every time I go up to the chemo room, I see completely ordinary, totally brave people going through it. As far as I can tell, not a Mother Teresa among them. Just people going through what they have to.
6, and my favorite. "How are you? Really?"
"Fine, thanks." Look, I haven't seen you for three months. If there were a difference between what I feel like and what I say I feel like, I'd share it with family and good friends, not someone I run across occasionally. Just take it the way I say it, okay?
After all of that, the other day I saw a friend whose chemo has stopped working.
I didn't know what to say.
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3 comments:
I try very hard never to ask anyone, "How are you doing?" because I think it is a very dumb thing to say.
I once wrote a poem condemning the practice.
When my neighbor (who was 95) was deathly ill some time ago, my wife and I would visit him and chat about things going on in the town. I think he was just happy to have company and hear conversation, whatever it may be. He didn't want to bare his soul or agonize over his life or fate. He was just happy that people cared enough to visit him.
Therefore I think that people who visit sick people shouldn't really worry too much about what they will say. If your intent is good, that is what matters. I am sure that some people are really diplomatic and others put their foot in their mouth, but this is all part of the human condition. To me the only really annoying thing is when people try to commiserate with a sick person, but they don't really mean it; what could be more odious?
You know you still write really well, especially considering what you're going through...
See you tomorrow night!
I'm with blue spruce. I'm never sure about "How are you?" because the eyes and the next words are running on top something else already They won't listen. It was something that someone taught them to say.
You're coping so well and I appreciate your revelations today. Be strong
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