So what should you say?

I've gotten a lot of responses to my last blog entry, many of them saying "I said such-and-so to someone, but I was so nervous that it came out wrong and I felt awful about it, so what should I have said?"
I had my advice all planned out when we ran into a survivor friend yesterday. He's recovering from radiation to his jaw for a throat cancer. Jerry told him how well he looked, and his wife told me that I looked really well for someone going through chemo, and none of it seemed insensitive. So I was left wondering: was everything I said last time wrong? Or does it make a difference if you've actually been there? Or what?
I've finally decided that the whole question of what you should say and how you should say it is more complicated than I first thought. But I have come up with some general guidelines.
First, we know our situation makes you nervous. Cancer is scary (and believe me, it's even scarier up close), so we can take it when people react awkwardly. Strangely enough, your first reaction is probably easier to take than what you say after you've thought omigod, she looks awful, what kind of cancer was it she has?, I can't even remember, that's terrible, but I know it's one of the bad ones, so I better not mention death or dying or hospitals or pain or .... what can I say to her? And then you come out with something totally inane, and feel like an idiot, and (trust me) you sound like one, too. That first reaction of "I heard about your situation, and it's horrible, and I wish you weren't going through it," is a lot easier to take.
So the first guideline might be to just say what you feel.
Next, once you have that first bit out of the way, remember that the conversation doesn't have to be completely or constantly about the cancer. There are subjects that are cheerier (you don't have to talk about the stock market). But it isn't rude to talk about other things, including what's going on in your life. I've occasionally known someone to avoid telling wonderful news about their family just because they don't want to make me feel bad. Weird, hunh?
Finally, remember that cancer isn't an individual thing. It touches the whole family. Don't forget to mention and send good wishes to the caregiver.